Lessons Learned During my 12 Hour Stay at Mclean

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  1. Radical Acceptance Things don’t always happen according to plan, you don’t always get what you wanted or expected from life and that is okay.  The only moment I have control over is this one.  The past is in the past, there is no telling what the future will be, therefore why worry? Sometimes you admit yourself to a 3 month min. program for borderline personality disorder, and sometimes you only end up staying 12 hours, but taking away so much from those few hours. And that is okay. 
  2. Mindfulness Just be present. I’m here, these people are with me, these are the things around me. Yes my emotions may be a little strong, but lets take a step back and think logically.  Am I interpreting what this person is saying rationally? Most likely, I am not. So lets realize that, accept it, remain present and go about being mindful. 
  3. Self Affirmation I accept myself as is.  I do not want to change my personality, or who I am.. I want to learn and be able to apply more effective coping skills to my life, but when it comes to myself as a whole, I’m good. I don’t need to be stripped of whatever identity people believe I lack, I love myself, and my flaws because without them I wouldn’t be me. 
  4. Emotion Regulation I admit, I do often feel intense overhwleming emotions that not only cause myself significant distress, but cause those around me to feel uneasy as well.  I am aware that I have strong emotions, and that I often have strong reactions to things that may seem unreasonable.  I recognize why I am feeling the way I feel, accept the feeling, My emotions are totally valid, but there are healthier ways to cope with them.  For example, my primary therapist was a psychopath, he told me that he would put a psychiatric hold on me if I tried to leave the program I voluntarily admitted myself to.  He threatened me numerous times, and attempted to manipulate me into thinking I was sick, and that I needed to be stripped of my rights and of everything about who I was as a whole.  He also attempted to manipulate my parents into believing I was manupulating them, while he was the one manipulationg everyone.  As a result, I felt offended, angry, dissapointed and upset.  The comments my primary therapist made towards myself and my parents was offensive.  It made me feel like I did not deserve to make my own decisions, and like I was being judged based on a sterotypical view of borderline personality disorder.  My dad was also upset and a bit angry when he realized that I was being threatened and treated unethicall.  On hte other hand, I hve been known to overexagerate things, and dramatize things.  In conclusion, I think there was miscommunication between myself, my primary therapist and my parents.  I feel like shit happens, and thats okay.  I’m not angry anymore, and I do not feel the need to bash my primary therapist by writing reviews discussing how he is clearly a psychopath.  To cope with this situation in a healthy way, I communicated to my parents that this was not the right treatment facility for me, and accepted that we all make mistsakes, and thats okay.  
  5. Interpersonal Effectiveness DEARMAN. Seriously it works. 
  6. There is always someone who is worse off then you, things aren’t as bad as you may perceive them to be.. would you really trade your problems for someone elses if you could see through them? I’m lucky to have the skills, intelligence and support that I do because I realized that this isn’t as debilitating that it has to be.  Just because I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, doesn’t mean that I need constant validation, have chronic feelings of emptiness or feel extremely fearful of real or perceived abandonment.  My name isn’t Borderline, this disorder doesn’t define who I am.  I define who I am and who I want to be, and while I may not know who exactly that is at this moment, I know for sure it’s not a “borderline.”  
  7. I do not by any means need intensive inpatient care.  Seriously, I’m completly fine. You probably think I’m being sarcastic but deadass I’m not at all.  I am 100 percent completly fine and good with outpatient therapy twice weekly for one hour and a weekly dbt skills group.  No need for inpatient hospitalization.  Definitely not trying to kill myself, no thoughts of harming myself or anyone else, its all good, I’m loving life and I plan to live it. 

Hope

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This is dedicated to the people in my life who have given me hope. The hope that I had lost and forgotten after a year of living in darkness at the lowest point in my life, you gave me the hope and motivation to make the choice, the choice only I could make, to fight my disorder.  I no longer want to look back at the past, I’m choosing to move forward.  There are no words to express how thankful I am for you. After being stuck in a hole for far too long, a hole I dug myself into, you gave me the push I desperately needed to climb out.  I finally see light again.  I can see that the past is in the past, and I do have a future. Thank you.


 

Found Rock bottom.. It’s not so bad down here.

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So that was rock bottom. I took almost 10 pregnancy tests, and as expected they were all positive.  I called my mom and casually said “I’m pregnant, I need you to come take me to get an abortion and then drop me off at an inpatient psychiatric facility.”

That was my rock bottom, and after I hit it I surrendered.  I had the “in home” abortion, which actually was not nearly has bad as I expected it to be.When it was over, I did what I had been putting off and avoiding for so many months.  I asked for help, and admitted that I needed it.  I accepted the fact that if I didn’t get serious help I was notimages going to make it.  And I’m not ashamed to say that, I’m proud.  

I realized I’m fucking done with this fucked up bull shit of a disorder,  I spent almost an entire year suffering alone, in the darkness, suffering for no reason other than the feelings caused by my self sabotaging behaviors.  I’ve without doubt had enough of you.  You put me through hell, you tortured me, debilitated me, made me hurt myself and so many people who I love.  You made me hate myself, and everyone around me, you took everything from me, my sense of self, happiness, love, fulfillment.  You tormented me and my family for long enough, and I’m taking my life back.

I was accepted in to McLean’s intensive inpatient program for borderline personality disordered women.  I’ll be there for a minimum of two months, and I’m taking my life back.  After going through an intense process of being interviewed by 10+ therapists and other mental health professionals who were brilliant, cut through, intimidating people, similar to the person I would like to be, I was told I had been accepted.  I received a phone call “Dr.X believes you are an excellent fit for the program, we just need to speak to your parents and then we can discuss the your admission date. I wanted to welcome you to the program!”  I coimagescouldn’t believe that A. I was actually accepted in to the program B. That my parents were actually going to pay for me to try to overcome this madness and C. That I actually had no doubts and KNEW that there was nothing on earth that I would let prevent me from actually going.

“It’s okay to ask for help.” – A

 

7 days

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In 7 days I’ll be admitted to Mcleans intensive inpatient program for borderline personality disordered women. One week before I leave for at least 2 months, to do what I’ve been told will be “the hardest thing you’ll ever have to do.” I’m petrified.


I think it’s been around 3 months since we met.  I promised myself I wouldn’t do this again.  I wouldn’t allow myself to be emotionally invested in anyone, or have any type of relationship consisting of anything besides one night stands (strictly not staying the night) or the casual “go to.” I don’t know what happened, I don’t know how we got here. It’s funny how the most unlikely people, can make such a significant impact on your life. I was able to keep it together, but last week I broke. I fucked up like I always do, out of paranoia, fear of manipulation, abandonment etc. I didn’t notice how fearful I was of “real or imagined abandonment.” I didn’t realize I was a classic case of “I hate you, don’t leave me,” pushing the people who try to get close to you, care for you and love you away. But the light in me that had been shining for the longest it had in so long broke, and you saw the darkness. I don’t understand why I have to hurt everyone I love, and everyone closest to me. apparently that’s something I’ll learn. So I hurt you, like I do to anyone who attempts to get remotely close to me.  I didn’t think I was like that anymore, but I say I ever knew what I was like or who I ever am or was.  Apologizing isn’t enough anymore, I’ve made the same mistake too many times.  I felt overwhelmed by guilt, self-hatred and blame, and there was nothing I could do.  You treat me better than I ever thought I deserved. And I did what I always do, I fucked it up.  I know you say I didn’t but it’s not a feeling I can control. I just want to spend my last week before I leave, with you, happy.  But it’s so hard to feel happy when I’m reminded of all the people I’ve hurt, and now I’ve hurt you. Going from feeling nothing, to intense feelings varying from confusion to happiness, anger, sadness, excitement it’s another emotional roller coaster.  You tell me over and over again that you know how you feel, and that your feelings are real. It’s just so hard to believe that anyone would ever feel that way about me, especially after being exposed to the part of myself that I try so hard to hide.

May 2017 Mental Health Awareness Month

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May is Mental Health Awareness month.  There are so many ways each of us can contribute to improve America’s mental health system and the general perception society holds on mental illness.  Spread awareness, take the pledge, advocate or share your story.  Anything you do will contribute to making mental illness stigma free.  https://www.nami.org/Get-Involved/What-Can-I-Do

What Can I Do?Each year we fight stigma, provide support, educate the public and advocate for equal care. Each year, the movement grows stronger. Raising awareness on your own, as part of a small group or part of your community can make a difference.Taking action and raising awareness of mental health conditions can break down obstacles and improve the chance of recovery. Learn how you can make a difference in your community and for millions of Americans across the U.S.Take the stigmafree PledgeMental health matters to everyone. Individuals, companies, organizations and others can all take the pledge to learn more about mental illness, to see a person for who they are and take action on mental health issues. Take the pledge and raise awareness.

  • Learn about mental health—educate myself and others
  • See the person not the illness—strive to listen, understand, tell my own story
  • Take action—spread the word, raise awareness, make a difference

StigmaFree MeThe need to eliminate stigma is nothing new. Fifteen years ago, a U.S. Surgeon General’s Report on Mental Health—the first and only one to date—identified stigma as a public health concern that leads peoples to “avoid living, socializing or working with, renting to, or employing” individuals with mental illness. Thanks to stigma, people living with mental health conditions are:

  • Alienated and seen as “others.”
  • Perceived as dangerous.
  • Seen as irresponsible or unable to make their own decisions.
  • Less likely to be hired.
  • Less likely to get safe housing.
  • More likely to be criminalized than offered health care services.
  • Afraid of rejection to the point that they don’t always pursue opportunities.

Many people living with mental health conditions don’t feel comfortable talking to their friends and family about what they’re dealing with. Those living with a mental health condition don’t want it any more than a person would want a broken leg. But focused thought and effort can’t make depression go away, just as focusing on healing won’t fix a shattered bone.Even worse, individuals living with mental illness often internalize the stigma that exists in our culture, damaging hopes for recovery. Some don’t seek treatment from a mental health professional. Their conditions worsen because they aren’t receiving the support and care they need to recover. And too often people take their own lives because they aren’t told by anyone that they’re not alone, they can recover and there is hope.To change this harmful status quo, NAMI is asking everyone to take our StigmaFree Pledge. Building a movement for change will require commitments from individuals, businesses, organizations, campuses and churches, as well as others.Once you’ve taken the pledge, consider all the ways you can live StigmaFree in your daily life. Maybe you can begin by being aware of the language you use or by choosing to be open or by deciding to learn more about mental illness.Every day brings new hope. Every day, we have an opportunity to help create broader understanding of mental health, overcome stereotypes and break down barriers. We can all do a little bit more each day to eliminate stigma and replace it with help and hope.So, help NAMI spread the word. Take the StigmaFree pledge and encourage your family and friends to do the same. This initiative, this movement is our attempt to reverse the harmful effects of stigma. So, when you hear someone using stigmatizing language, correct them. If you see someone using misleading stereotypes, educate them. And never forget to see people for who they are, not for how they act during their darkest days.Together, we will turn the tide on stigma by spreading awareness, support and understanding for every person who experiences mental illness. Together, we can make a difference for the better. Stigma is when someone, or even you yourself, views a person in a negative way just because they have a mental health condition. Some people describe stigma as a feeling of shame or judgement from someone else. Stigma can even come from an internal place, confusing feeling bad with being bad.  Navigating life with a mental health condition can be tough, and the isolation, blame and secrecy that is often encouraged by stigma can create huge challenges to reaching out, getting needed support and living well. Learning how to avoid and address stigma are important for all of us, especially when you realize stigma’s effects:

  • People experiencing mental health conditions often face rejection, bullying and discrimination. This can make their journey to recovery longer and more difficult.
  • Mental health conditions are the leading cause of disability across the United States.
  • Even though most people can be successfully treated, less than half of the adults in the U.S. who need services and treatment get the help they need.
  • The average delay between the onset of symptoms and intervention is 8-10 years.
  • Suicide is the second leading cause of death of youth ages 15-24 and the tenth leading cause of death for all Americans.

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The Impact of Misconceptions and Stigmas on People with Mental Illnesses

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Despite of what some argue, there is clear-cut evidence that mental illnesses are diseases,
no different from any other medical condition.  unfortunately the misconceptions and stigmas placed on those suffering with mental health problems, often prevent them from seeking treatment.  People are not only suffering from the symptoms of a disorder or disease, but from societies lack of willingness to accept that mental illness is a disease as well, leaving may individuals to suffer in silence.  The stigma society places on this subject in turn, is preventing those suffering from reaching out to receive proper treatment, which could potentially be crucial in some cases where symptoms and conditions tend to worsen. People with life threatening diseases such as heart disease and cancer are willing and regularly seek treatment from doctors.  They are admitted into hospitals, and treated most often with respect and they receive adequate care.  I’ve never heard anyone with a broken leg tell me they have been criticized for seeking medical treatment, or for being hospitalized.  How is this any different from those effected by depression seeking help from a psychiatrist or a psychotherapists? Is clinical depression not a life threatening disease? Are those suffering in silence not at extremely high risk for suicide?  So why is it that when a person is to admitted to a hospital, or seeks help for a mental illness, which may potentially be life threatning, burdened by the stigma of mental illness?


The Truth About Mental Illness

Given the stigma placed on mental disorders, on top of the symptoms and challenges those struggling with these disorders face, many people are stereotyped, labeled, and looked down upon by society.  Not only do they have to try their best to manage their symptoms, but to mask them as well.  Many individuals are fearful when it comes to a606a03123d982d06455ea5ad84e6a6eseeking help, and often hesitant to take advantage of opportunities that may define their qualify of life.  Further more, those suffering are led to take on a self-stigma, based on societal views.  Public stigmas frequently portray those suffering from mental illness as dangerous or violent people.  Public stigma also includes prejudices, people agree with the belief and negative emotional reaction, and in turn are fearful of people with mental disorders.  The behavior response to prejudice is discrimination against people.  Therefore, people with mental health problems face discrimination in a variety of contexts such as employment, housing opportunities, access to healthcare, etc.  So now due to the public stigma, this population suffers further from self-stigma.  Many begin to label themselves, similarly to how society has labeled them, they begin to hold negative beliefs about themselves, such as feelings of weakness or incompetency.  Many feel they are not “normal” and this will not be accepted by the general public.  The natural response to widely held societal views is negative emotional reactions, including low-self esteem and low-self efficacy.  Further more, the behavior response to discrimination and prejudice often ends in the individuals failure to pursue work and leaves them feeling hopeless, incapable and often undeserving of living a quality life. 

These are not theories, these are facts.  Educate yourselves and others on mental illness, spread awareness, join the movement to change the way society views mental health.


Either like this post, or share it so spread mental health awareness, and encourage those suffering in silence to break free of the stigma, and seek necessary help and support. 

Missing the old me

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I can’t put into words how much I miss you right now. I want you back, I need you back I hate the person who replaced you. I hate valentines day so much, you used to love it.  Last year you spent it with Max, you were so happy. Now I’m completely alone, living in this false reality that I’ve created. My mom is here visiting, I feel like I’m going to throw up in her face from trying so hard to act like I’m okay. You had your life together, you were filled with passion, confidence, love and hope.  But that went away when you went away. I’ve been dissociated for so long, time just passes by, and I have no perception of it. When someone steps in to break the false reality, it kills. It hurts so bad, being reminded of the person you and everyone else used to know.  The girl everyone loved, who laughed, sang, ate and cared so much for herself and others. The girl who had goals, dreams and saw a bright future for herself. Your pintrist walls with wedding dresses, engagement rings, inspirational quotes. Now look what I do to myself. All I do is hurt myself and everyone around me. I need you to come back, I would do anything to be like you again. Please come back I miss you so much. It hurts so much I just want to sit in my room and cry but I can’t. You hated being alone, and all I want is to be alone. I’m so ashamed of the reckless, worthless, hopeless person I’ve become. I’m not sure if I’ll ever see you again. I don’t see how you can come back after everything I put you through. I’m so sick of everyone asking what happened to your wrist? I’m so sick of hating myself and hurting myself and putting myself in these stupid situations and getting myself into trouble. But I can’t stop now, there’s no reason to. I know your not coming back, and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to accept who you’ve become.